Non-Engagement in Contentious Co-Parenting

Much of the work we do outside of the courtroom is less legal work and more counseling, hence the term “attorney and counselor at law”. One of the dynamics we often run into is that, like a lot of society these days, many separated co-parents are highly engaged in “not letting their co-parent get away with it”. In other words, the conflicts that caused the two parents to separate are still a part of their co-parenting relationship. A Prime example of this is that one parent will text the other notifying them of a child’s parent teacher conference or sporting event. The other parent will indicate that they have a conflict and can’t attend. Instead of the conversation ending there, the sending parent will then harangue the other parent about what a terrible parent they are and that they need to get their priorities straight and so forth. At best, this is ridiculously bad communication. At worst, someone has some real power and control issues (a subject for a future blog post). 

Engaging in this type of behavior can go terribly wrong in court. One client thought it was a good idea to respond to his former wife’s texts as to her availability for her child’s volleyball game with several paragraphs on what a terrible parent and person she was. She would then reply “Thank You” and several more paragraphs would ensue with the same reply of “Thank you” each time. First off, haranguing someone repeatedly after they reply “thank you” makes you look like an idiot and also, it’s kind of abusive. The result in court was that particular client had his unsupervised parenting time suspended, had to get an evaluation and follow all of the recommendations, which takes awhile. But the important thing was that he “won” by continually telling his former spouse what he thought of her. 

One of the things that I advise my clients is that there is no “winning” the co-parenting “battle”. First, it’s not a battle. The “winning” is having a healthy co-parenting relationship with your former that doesn’t have long lasting detrimental effects on your children. It is important to keep all of the interaction’s child-centered which really helps to not take pot shots at one another. This is all well and good to say but sometimes clients are faced with a co-parent who just can’t help but make these kinds of derogatory comments or otherwise seek conflict while exchanging typical co-parenting communications. In those instances, the best practice is to remind yourself that it’s not your job to change the way they think and that you have don’t have to defend yourself to them. For example:

You: Hello, can you please send the soccer uniform with Taylor when you take her to school tomorrow?

Them: Please explain why you didn’t inform me that Taylor had a detention last May on your day for talking in class? Clearly you don’t care about her education and discipline. Also, what kind of tooth brush is she using at your house because her teeth do not seem to be very white when she comes over here after a night at your house. 

You: Can you please send the soccer uniform with Taylor when you take her to school tomorrow?

Them: Also, Taylor texts you excessively when she is at our house and it interferes with my time with her. Henceforth I will be blocking you from her phone while she is at my house. Taylor also tells us that you have a new boy friend so I will need his name, address, date of birth, driver’s license number and social security number so I can vet him. I don’t trust you not to bring a sexual predator around my daughter. 

You: Those are all things you should probably discuss with your attorney but again, can you please send the soccer uniform with Taylor when you take her to school tomorrow?

Them: If you don’t answer my questions, I am going to have my attorney file a Motion for Contempt and have you put in jail for not communicating with me. 

You: That is your prerogative, forget about the soccer uniform, I will just buy another one.

Now, if this conversation and others like it are ever presented in court, who looks like the controlling idiot and who doesn’t? 

What you should have done in this last conversation is just not engage with, and become a part of the hostility of the other parent. They are clearly not over the relationship and still have the need to feel like the superior parent. You, on the other hand, emerge with your mental and emotional health intact not to mention your legal situation. You can step back and realize that they are not coming from a position of strength or even rationality. Importantly, they are not renting space in your head. You only “lose” if you respond in kind, then at some future hearing the judge will think you are both crazy and evaluate your credibility and legal positions accordingly. You are not responsible for their opinion of you nor are you accountable to them for parenting decisions you make in your own home. Litigation of any kind is not meant to last forever. However, this kind of parent is continually “fighting for custody” even though the case has been resolved, parenting plans agreed to and so on. 

Here are some tips to help with non-engagement:

• Remind yourself that any texting or other communication may end up as evidence in court, so lock it down. 
• Keep all communication child centered. It’s about your kids not about the two parents. 
• Feel free to not answer right away. Most courts allow responses within 24 hours so don’t allow this co-parent to monopolize your attention because they “need an answer right now”
• Less is more in any communication. 
• Feel free to ignore or otherwise not respond to any derogatory comments and most importantly to questions that are not directly related to Taylor’s soccer uniform or what time she gets out of band practice or whatever. You don’t have to justify yourself to your former. 
• Resist the temptation to lecture the other parent about how they are not supposed to “talk to you that way”. Assholes are assholes and you can’t change them.
• This is old advice but remind yourself that you can’t control them only your reaction to them. 

To sum up, in a hostile co-parenting situation, do not engage, do not respond in kind and most importantly, keep it child centered.